I'm gaining my life back
I’m at my highest weight in 18 months. I’m also at my happiest.
They always say “no one ever regrets recovering”, but I never thought that could be true for me. For the first few months of trying to recover I woke up every day feeling disgusted by myself, hating every pound I gained and wishing I could give up and run back to the safety of my eating disorder. Some days I still do. Our EDs have this way of putting a shiny filter over our suffering - they remind us of the fleeting moments of joy that came with seeing that number drop, not the moments we were so hungry we couldn’t sleep. They tell us that people liked us more, that we looked better and clothes fit nicer, but miss out the way we lost our personality, isolated ourselves and experienced extreme anxiety every day.
These ED sunglasses we put on give us the impression we were better off sick. We weren’t. Recovery is tough, it brings it’s own anxiety - and lots of it. Both suffering and healing are uncomfortable but one leads to a life and the other to death. Maybe you’re reading this and thinking you don’t care, because what life is there for you to live anyway? If I’m being honest with you I don’t know. I’ve recovered for a life with my loved ones: for holidays with my girlfriend, for walks with the dog, for takeaway food and gaming nights with my family, to pursue a job I love, for fancy meals out, spontaneous day trips and tea with my grandparents. I’ve recovered to regain my personality, to protect my health, to honour my values, to have the space to think about things other than food, to rebuild existing friendships, embark on new ones, and to give myself the best shot at finally accepting and liking myself. That’s just me though. I can’t tell you what’s waiting for you on the other side, nor can I promise that at times it won’t seem like the harder option as you uncover the things your ED has masked. All I’m saying is give it a go. Give yourself a chance to find out, and I mean a proper chance. Your worst day in recovery will still be better than your best day in your illness even if you have to work to see it.
I’m at my highest weight in 18 months. I’m also at my happiest. I’ve not just gained x number of pounds, I’ve gained myself back.
More from me soon, Mais// The Recovery Bean <3